a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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