I wish my penis had an off switch
She's JV to your varsity
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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