During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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