Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
