I wish I could teleport
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
