Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
