I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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