there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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