oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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