Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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