Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(773): View more from Illinois

arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(619): View more from California

Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

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(316): View more from Kansas

ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.

(316): View more from Kansas

And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming

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(845): View more from New York

The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

The truth is better her than my wife.

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