There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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