Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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