I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
