Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
