She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Randomize
