Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
