I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
