Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Life is so much better after having sex.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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