Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
