Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Randomize
