i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
