oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
