So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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