We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
