One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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