: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
