im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm way too hungover for life right now
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
