We need to rekindle our bromance
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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