I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
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