No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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