i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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