I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
