my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
