I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm like, not good at living.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
