it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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