just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
