I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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