She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
