I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
