i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
