I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
