The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
