every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
