I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Randomize
