are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize