I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
