Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
