the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
