Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
