I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize