apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my being single is dangerous.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize