can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
