You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
