So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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