Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Randomize
